I recently went to Maine for 2 weeks and had the most interesting time. It was amazing and it threw me for a loop. It was breathtakingly beautiful with mountains, rocks, ocean, and pine trees. We hiked up and down the granite mountains of Acadia National Park. It was the most physically challenging hiking I have ever done. It was straight up and straight down and then back up....and....well back down. Amazing!
This is just what I wanted to happen. I was really needing some space and distance to give me a fresh perspective on my teaching, my relationships, my life. I have been feeling a bit disappointed by things and I needed a new perspective. I was cluttered and this vacation was a great opportunity to clear the clutter. And oh my~ did it ever! That physical challenge, silence, and wide open views of the ocean, created an enormous amount of space in me. As I hiked, each step left something behind that I no longer needed to carry.
I am not the 1st person to clear out the clutter. I am often hearing things like clear your mind, remove the clutter, quiet your thoughts and I have never been very good at that. I have improved this skill but my brain is very busy! But then~wow~I did it. I was able to be quiet and make space.And the quiet was amazing and restorative.
The thing I was not ready for was the empty space left where there was once clutter.
Now I am back and I feel, well, empty. I was NOT expecting that. I feel lonely, disconnected, low, drained. I thought I would return from this journey more open, energized, and ready for what is next. I feel like I created this space and it is there for all the goodness to flow in, but that is not what is happening. I feel empty. I feel like what I left on that island was all of my filler, it's now more bare bones and more vulnerable. It has also shed a light on what I was filling myself with before and how I need to re-evaluate some things. It has really made me pause.
I feel a need to react. I want to fill my mind, the space, with as much activity as I can to push away the lonely feeling. Fill it with anything that will make me feel better, connected, busy. It doesn't feel good to feel empty. And, I see this in other people, filling their lives with clothes, food, music, activities...anything that will fill the space and help them not feel empty or alone. These things are not what my spirit needs. I want my emptiness to be filled with wisdom, sensation, love but I am not sure yet how to get just what I am seeking.
So what do I do? I wait and hold the space...
I have created the space, cleared out the cobwebs and now I need to hold it until I find the right things to fill it.Waiting for the right things to come in. When negativity or the easier way creep in, I focus on holding the space. I can see the wide open world inside of me. I am on a journey and I am open and I am ready. It is a challenge. I am seeking, working, listening and waiting. I am letting myself know that the empty feeling is temporary and it is a sign that new things are coming, but I have to hold the space for them so when they arrive, there is room. I would hate to miss an opportunity for greatness because my mind is full of negativity. This is an amazing moment for me to listen, slow down, pay attention and be mindful of what I let in. I need to hold the space.
I am open to possibilities
I am open to positive energy
I am open to love
I am open to new opportunities
I am open to growing, blooming, flowering
I am open to joy
I am open to community
I am holding the space.